晚间脱口秀笑话一周精选（6月13日）
"The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is angry with me. Fuming, angry, seeing red, and has called me 'pathetic.'...But, I won't kid you. I was feeling a little depressed when I heard that the Governor was mad at me and called me 'pathetic.' To cheer myself up, I went out and spent $150,000 on clothes, and I feel better now." --David Letterman阿拉斯加州的州长莎拉·佩林最近很生我的气。生气、愤怒、气愤，说我“很可怜”……不过，我不跟你开玩笑哦。我听说州长很生我的气说我可怜的时候，我真的觉得有点小失落。为了给我自己鼓鼓劲，我出去买了15万美元的衣服，现在我觉得好多了。——大卫·莱特曼
佩林参加竞选的时候，共和党为了提升她的形象，花了15万美元为她和她的家人添置服装、配饰等，尽管麦凯恩阵营说这些东西在竞选结束后会捐赠慈善，但还是引来批评不断。
"You know who was in town this weekend, went to a Yankee game? Sarah Palin ... One awkward moment, though, during the game. Maybe you heard about it, maybe you saw it on one of the highlight reels, one awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game. During the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." --David Letterman
你们知道今天谁进城看洋基队比赛了吗？莎拉·佩林……虽然是比赛中一个尴尬的时候。也许你们听说了，也许你们在某个镜头中看到了，在洋基队比赛中，对莎拉·佩林来说真是一个尴尬的时候啊。在第七局的时候，她的女儿被Alex Rodriguez弄大了肚子。——大卫·莱特曼
这位昵称为A-Rod的洋基队球星Alex Rodriguez曾被传与麦当娜走得很近，这里是大卫·莱特曼说来调侃的，佩林女儿孩子的爸爸是一个十八岁的高中生。佩林的女儿未婚先孕一度是媒体热抄的话题，不要再说西方文化开放到什么都不在乎，未婚先孕一样是负面新闻。
另外因为这句话，佩林控告大卫对她的女儿做出“不恰当的性言论”，要求大卫公开道歉，麦凯恩也警告大卫·莱特曼说，不要再开有关佩林和她家人的玩笑。
"And with all this going on, did you see what Sarah Palin said yesterday? She made a speech in Alaska and she said that the money the federal government is sending to states to help bail out, well that's not good, because that's the federal government getting in there and trying to 'control people.' Yes that's right, Sarah, it's all about the Federal Reserve making your daughter use a condom." --Bill Maher
最近发生了一些事情，你们看见莎拉·佩林昨天说什么了没？她在阿拉斯加做了一场演讲，说起联邦政府拨给各州的钱，说这些钱是不好的，因为这是联邦政府想要控制人们。是啊，说的太对了，莎拉，都是联邦储备让你的女儿用安全套的。——比尔·马歇
"A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase 'Oh God, oh God,' more than President Clinton." --Conan O'Brien
一份新报告刚刚出炉，上面说奥巴马总统提到耶稣基督的次数比小布什要多，你们相信吗？不过他们俩谁也没有克林顿说“哦，上帝，哦，上帝”的次数多。
"President Obama is proposing a new national healthcare plan that's both inexpensive and accessible. He's calling it Have Your Surgery In Mexico." --Jimmy Fallon
奥巴马总统提出了一个新的全国医保方案，既不贵又让人很容易接受。他把这项计划叫做去墨西哥开刀吧。——吉米·法伦
President Obama says he wants to create a national healthcare plan that's both affordable and easy to use. In response, the insurance industry says they'll fight the plan with congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use." --Conan O'Brien
奥巴马总统说他希望打造一个新的全国医保方案，既能承受得起又方便使用。作为对此事的回应，保险业说他们会找那些让他们既能承受得起又方便使用的议员们一起对抗这个方案。
"Earlier today, President Obama spoke at a town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Yeah. Yeah, half of the Wisconsin crowd had never seen an African-American, and the other half had never seen a skinny person." --Conan O'Brien
今天早些时候，奥巴马总统在威斯康星州的绿湾城里的全体会议讲话了。是啊，是啊，威斯康星州的人们一半没见过非裔美国人，另外一半从没见过瘦瘦的人。——柯南·奥布莱恩
"Did you see Obama's speech? It went well with Muslims around the world…Republican Sen. Inhofe, he's a douche bag, he said it was un-American. These guys are just jealous that when this President goes to Middle East, nobody throws a shoe at him…Un-American? It was intelligent; it was broad-minded; it was nuanced. Oh he's right. It is un-American." --Bill Maher
你们看见奥巴马的演讲了没？在全世界的穆斯林中反响不错……共和党参议员Sen. Inhofe是一个做事不经大脑的人，他说这是非美国的。这些家伙就是嫉妒这个总统去中东的时候没人朝他扔鞋子……非美国？这太天才了；这是心胸开阔的；这是很微妙的，嗯，他说得对，这是非美国的。——比尔·马歇
"What an honor it is for you to have me here, and what a thrill it is to bring my show to the men and women in the U.S. military in Iraq. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Iraq. The country so nice, we invaded it twice." --Stephen Colbert, airing his show in front of U.S. troops in Iraq as part of "Operation Iraqi Stephen: Going Commando"
你们在这里看到我是多么荣幸的事情啊，把我的节目带给伊拉克军队里的男男女女是多么让人兴奋的事情啊！就是这样，女士们，先生们，伊拉克，这个国家太好了，我们侵略了它两次。——斯蒂芬·科尔伯特
"But you know, it must be nice here in Iraq, because I understand some of you keep coming back again, and again, and again. ... The good news is, you've earned enough frequent flier miles for a free ticket to Afghanistan." --Stephen Colbert
但是你们知道，在伊拉克肯定挺好的，因为我明白你们中一些人一直回来，再回来，再回来……好消息是你们已经累积了足够的飞行里数得到一张免费机票去阿富汗。——史蒂芬·科尔伯特
"Yesterday, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fell and broke her ankle, and she's expected to be on crutches for several weeks. In a related story, Republicans have announced that Sotomayor's confirmation hearing will consist of three questions and a timed obstacle course." --Conan O'Brien
昨天，大法官提名人索尼娅·索托马约尔绊了一下伤了她的脚踝。她可能要有几周拄拐行动了。在一个相关报道中，共和党人已经宣布说索托马约尔的听证会会包括三个问题和一个计时超越障碍训练。——柯南·奥布莱恩
"Al Gore is back in the news today because President Obama is saying he might send him to North Korea to negotiate with Kim Jong-Il. I'm thinking if you're going to send a vice president to negotiate with a madman, why don't you send Joe Biden? At least Biden speaks the language of crazy. He understands the ways of the bonkers." --Craig Ferguson
阿尔·戈尔今天上新闻了，因为奥巴马总统说可能会让他去朝鲜和金正日协商。我就在想啊，如果你要派一个副总统去和一个疯狂的家伙协商，为什么不派乔·拜登呢？至少乔·拜登会说疯言疯语。他明白疯狂的人们的行事方式。——克莱格·弗格森
"In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said she originally turned down the job as secretary of state. Yup. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah, that's not the only kind of job she's turned down.'" --Conan O'Brien
在一个新的采访中，希拉里·克林顿说她本来是拒绝了国务卿的工作的。嗯，听说这个消息后，比尔·克林顿说，是啊，这不是她拒绝的唯一一种工作。
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