晚间脱口秀一周笑话精选（7月19日）

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&quotresident Obama's Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor had her second day in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee today. Her confirmation is pretty much a forgone conclusion, but even the leading Republican said the only way she would not be confirmed is if she had a meltdown, in which case she'd be named the governor of Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel
今天是奥巴马总统的大法官提名人索尼娅·索托马约尔在美国参议员司法委员会的第二天。她被确定任命已成定局。即使共和党领导人也说她唯一不会被确定任命的原因只有一个，就是她溶解了，这种情况下她就会被提名为阿拉斯加的州长。——吉米·卡莫

"Sonia Sotomayor is testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee. And she has said that she 'felt out of place attending Princeton.' Sotomayor says there were so many white males in Princeton, she felt like she was testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee." --Conan O'Brien
索尼娅·索托马约尔现在在参议院司法委员会做听证。她曾经说过她在普林斯顿的时候感觉不太合群。索托马约尔说普林斯顿的白人太多了，她感觉她像是出席参议院司法委员会听证会一样。——柯南·奥布莱恩

"It's been 40 years since we've put a man on the moon, and now of course the next big goal is to put a man on Sonia Sotomayor." –David Letterman
我们把男人送上月球到现在已经四十年了，现在，我们下一个宏伟目标当然就是把男人送给索尼娅·索托马约尔了。——大卫·莱特曼

"Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage." --Jimmy Fallon
比尔·克林顿透露说虽然他在总统任期内反对同性婚姻，现在他支持了。咱们公平点说，在他的任期内，他连自己的婚姻都反对的。——吉米·法伦

&quotresident Obama's teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered yesterday during a speech on the economy. Wow, even speeches about the economy are crashing." --Jimmy Fallon
奥巴马总统的提词机昨天在一场关于经济的演讲中掉到了地上摔碎了。哇哦，连关于经济的演说都能崩溃。——吉米·法伦

&quotresident Obama is going to be working in the broadcast booth during the All-Star Game. Everybody says, 'Oh, that's cute.' But let me tell you something. You know the economy is bad when the President has to take a second gig." --David Letterman
奥巴马总统在全明星赛中会参与直播间的工作。每个人都说，“哦，那太好了。”我跟你们说，看看现在经济都坏到总统都得找份兼职了。——大卫·莱特曼

"As I watched the press conference, I realized finally we have a candidate for the people who loved George Bush's certainty but were bothered by his rationality and executive experience." --Jon Stewart, on Sarah Palin's resignation (Watch video clip)
我看着记者招待会，我意识到对那些既爱着乔治·布什的笃定，又被他的合理性和执政经验所困扰的人来说，终于有一个候选人了。——乔·斯图尔特评论莎拉·佩林的辞职

"South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is trying to bounce back from his sex scandal. Sanford has cleared his schedule this week to take a personal trip with his wife. Isn't that nice? Sanford said he wanted to go somewhere exotic and romantic, but he's going to get this trip with his wife out of the way first." --Conan O'Brien
南卡罗来纳州州长马克·桑福德正在试图从性丑闻中挽救自己。桑福德本周推掉了其他安排，和他的妻子来了个私人旅行。这不是很好嘛？桑福德说他想去个有情调的浪漫的地儿，不过他首先要做的是带着他妻子去偏僻的地儿。——柯南·奥布莱恩

"How about that Harry Potter movie? Opened today as a matter of fact. In this one, Harry goes up against Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad." --David Letterman
《哈利·波特》这电影怎么样？这电影今天开始公映了。在这部片子里，哈利和迪克·切尼以及他秘密的中情局暗杀队。——大卫·莱特曼

"So now it turns out that Dick Cheney, while he was Vice President, had a private deal going with the CIA And he goes to the CIA -- and those guys are pretty good at keeping a secret -- and he goes to the CIA, and he says, 'Boys, this will just be between you and me. We're going to run our own antiterrorism program. You and me. Don't tell Congress.' Eight years this was going on. And when I heard this, I said to myself, 'Gosh, that doesn't sound like the Dick Cheney I know.'" --David Letterman
现在看来是迪克·切尼，在当副总统的时候，和CIA有个私下交易。他走到中情局——这些家伙最擅长保密——他走到中情局，然后说，孩子们，这些事情只有咱们知道，咱们要开始反恐计划了，就咱们。别跟国会说啊。这件事进行了八年。当我听说这个时候，我跟我自己说，“老天，这可不像我知道的迪克·切尼。”——大卫·莱特曼

"They tried to get a hold of Cheney for comment, but his staff said, 'No, no, you can't talk to Cheney. He's taking a hike on the Appalachian Trail.'" --David Letterman
他们试图让迪克·切尼做出回应，但是他的工作人员说，“不行不行，你不能和切尼说话，他现在在阿巴那切亚山道远足哪。”——大卫·莱特曼

小编：阿巴那切亚山是当初桑福德失踪的时候他手下的人对外宣称他去的地方。

"Very secret operation, went on for eight years. Nobody knew anything about it. The only thing they knew was that it was called 'Operation Hunting Accident.'" --David Letterman
真是太秘密的行动了，八年啊。没有人知道这件事，他们知道的唯一一件事是这个计划叫做“打猎事故行动”。——大卫·莱特曼