晚间脱口秀笑话一周精选（6月5日）

ZX68

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 'The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien.' Thank you. Thank you! I have to admit, I think I've timed this moment perfectly. Think about it. I'm on a last place network, I moved to a state that's bankrupt, and 'The Tonight Show'' is sponsored by General Motors." --Conan O'Brien
女士们，先生们，欢迎收看《柯南·奥布莱恩今晚秀》，谢谢大家，谢谢大家，我不得不承认，我觉得我安排的这个时间太完美了。想想啊，我在一家排名垫底的电视台，我搬到了一个破产的州，这个今晚秀还是通用赞助的。——柯南·奥布莱恩

"Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he's determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors." --Conan O'Brien
尽管遭到公众的反对，奥巴马总统还是说他决定关闭关塔那摩湾的监狱。为了确保关塔那摩被关了，奥巴马说，新的监狱长将由通用的CEO来担任。——柯南·奥布莱恩

"Hey, how about General Motors? Oh, my gosh. It's crazy what's going on. General Motors, bankrupt. Biggest corporation in the world and now they still want money. They still want billions more bailout money. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'You want more money? Wait here while I talk to the manager. I'll be right back." --David Letterman
嘿，通用怎么样了？哦，天哪，这简直是疯了。通用，破产了，世界上最大的公司啊，现在他们还想要钱。他们还想要上亿的财政援助。我想我得替所有的美国人说句话，“你们想要更多的钱？我去跟管理层说一下，在这等着，我马上就回来。”

"Did everyone see Brian Williams' special with President Obama that was on? Yeah? Anyway, there's this big NBC News special with Brian Williams, and in the special, President Obama showed Brian Williams what tricks his new puppy, Bo, could do. Isn't that cool? Yeah, in fact, Bo has already learned to sit up and beg for federal bailout money." --Conan O'Brien
你们有人看布莱恩·威廉姆斯和奥巴马总统的特别节目了吗？这个布莱恩·威廉姆斯的特别节目里有个大新闻，在节目里，奥巴马总统给布莱恩·威廉姆斯看他的新宠物波会做的动作，这简直太酷了，是吧，事实上，波已经学会坐正了求着要联邦财政援助了。——柯南·奥布莱恩

"But you know, people get upset about everything. People are already screaming. They say: 'You know what that little date that the President and his wife went on in New York City, you know what that cost people? Twenty four thousand dollars. It lasted four hours and it cost $24,000.' And former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer said, 'That's about right.'" --David Letterman
你们知道吗？人们现在什么都担心。人们都在大喊大叫。他们说，“你知道总统和他老婆去纽约小约会了一下么，你知道花了多少钱？24000美元哦。四个小时花了24000美元。”前纽约州长艾略特·史匹哲说，“我想差不多也就这样。”——大卫·莱特曼

注：这个前纽约州州长是因为招妓丑闻被迫辞职的，相关报道：纽约州长卷入性交易丑闻>>

"Hey, there's a big story out of Washington. The President went on a date. We haven’t seen this since the Clinton Administration. But this was different. The President went on a date with his wife." --Craig Ferguson
嘿，华盛顿有个大新闻，总统出去约会了。克林顿政府之后我们就没见过这事了，不过这回还是不一样的，总统是跟他老婆出去约会的。——克莱格·弗格森

沪江小编：身为总统千万要捡点，不然会被人说一辈子……

"Apparently, the Obamas' date was fulfilling a promise Barack made to Michelle. He told her once the campaign was over, he’d take her to New York for dinner and a Broadway show. I like that, because it makes Obama seem like any other married guy, doing stuff he doesn't want to do because he promised the wife." --Craig Ferguson
很显然，奥巴马夫妇的约会是为了实现巴拉克对米歇尔的一个诺言。他跟她说竞选结束之后，他会带她去纽约吃顿饭看一场百老汇演出。我喜欢这一点，因为这让奥巴马看上去和其他结了婚的家伙没什么不同，都是因为答应了老婆什么事情不得不去做自己不想做的。——克莱格·弗格森

"Speaking of President Obama, a new book is coming out; hasn't been out yet, I think. But it's coming out. And it claims that President Obama and his wife went through a rough patch in their marriage, where their relationship was somewhat frosty. Yeah. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I'd kill for somewhat frosty.'" --Conan O'Brien
说到奥巴马总统，有一本新书要出了，我想现在还没出吧。不过快出来了。书里说，奥巴马总统和他妻子的婚姻经历过一段困难时期，他们的关系曾经有点冷淡。是啊，听了这个之后，比尔·克林顿说，“要是我也能‘有点冷淡’，我死了都行。”

"Dick Cheney said today, he supports gay marriage. I think he only supports gay marriage because he sees marriage as a form of torture, but anyway, he supports it." --Craig Ferguson
迪克·切尼今天说，他支持同性婚姻。我想他支持同性婚姻只是因为他认为婚姻是一种虐待的形式，不过不管怎么说，他支持这个。——克莱格·弗格森

"How about that Dick Cheney? He's really quite busy here lately. He's talking. He says now that Saddam Hussein, listen to this, think about this, Saddam Hussein, who used to be the guy running the show there in Iraq, said Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11. Whoa. And to get that information, Cheney admits that he had to waterboard himself." --David Letterman
迪克·切尼最近怎么样了？他最近真是特别忙。他四处放话。他现在说到萨达姆·侯赛因，大家仔细听听想想，萨达姆·侯赛因，这个以前在伊拉克呼风唤雨的家伙，他说萨达姆·侯赛因和911没关系。为了得到这条消息，切尼承认说他不得不给自己上水刑。——大卫·莱特曼

"And Cheney now is criticizing the Obama Administration because they're trying to close Guantanamo Bay. He says they don't have a clear plan for closing Gitmo. That's what Cheney says to the Obama Administration. And I was thinking, well, you know, Cheney is right, because that Iraq war thing was so well thought out." --David Letterman
切尼现在在批评奥巴马政府，因为奥巴马政府现在正在试图关闭关塔那摩监狱。他说他们在关闭关塔那摩这件事上没有清晰的计划。切尼是这么说的，然后我就想，好吧，你们知道，切尼是对哦，因为伊拉克战争这件事是被考虑的非常周到的。——大卫·莱特曼

"The U.S. government accidentally released a confidential list of exact locations of nuclear sites around the country. Authorities have no idea who was responsible -- it was Biden. Okay. It was Joe Biden." --Jimmy Fallon
美国政府不小心泄露了一份机密名单，上面是这个国家周围核设施的精确地点。官方不知道谁应该为这件事负责——是乔·拜登啦，绝 对 是乔·拜登。——吉米·法伦

"Today in New Hampshire, the state Senate approved a bill that would help legalize same-sex marriage. Yeah. Their new state motto is 'Live Free or Bi.'" --Jimmy Fallon
今天，在新罕布夏，州长通过了一项可能有助于同性婚姻合法化的法案。对，他们州的新口号是“自由的活或者两性的活。”——吉米·法伦

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said yesterday that the day of reckoning is here. That either means he has a new movie out or we're screwed." -- Jimmy Kimmel
加州州长阿诺·施瓦辛格昨天说“现在是清算的日子了。”那要么说明他有新片了，要么就是我们被骗了。

相关文章：美加州政府濒临破产，施瓦辛格炒两万公务员>>

"Rush Limbaugh said today he might change his mind about something. I'm like, what?! He said he might support President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court. Wow! Sounds like someone got a new prescription." --Craig Ferguson
拉什·林博今天说他可能会在某件事情上改变主意，我当时就像，哈？他说他可能支持奥巴马最高法院大法官的提名人了吗？哇哦，听起来某人得到了新指示啊。——克莱格·弗格森

"Obama appointed a Latina to the Supreme Court this week, Sonia Sotomayor. Here's a woman who was raised in the Bronx, a tough neighborhood without a father. And that's how you know America is a great country, when your Supreme Court justice has the same back story as your lap dancer." --Bill Maher
奥巴马本周任命了拉丁美裔的索尼娅·索托马约尔成为大法官。她在布朗克斯区长大，住的地方挺危险的，又没有父亲。这样你们就知道美国是一个多么伟大的国家了吧，你的最高法院法官和你看的脱衣舞女有着同样的背景。——比尔·马歇